Lanky Dutchman crowned new champion at the 2007 Asswrestling World Champioships held in Rautalampi, Finland.

The Asswrestling world championships held in Rautalampi on July 6th, 2007 produced an unexpected new champion.

The devoted asswrestling fans were treated to some tasty power moves by the favorite, Finlands Ville “Davo” Vikman early on in the preliminaries. Especially Davo’s come from behind victory in the first round was something truly exceptional. Unfortunately the home fans, widely recognized as “the most loyal fans in all of sport”, were forced to witness their big favorite crash out early in the knock out stages.

As it turns out, despite many of the home favorite’s being in top form it wasn’t to be Finland’s day this time around. A young previously unranked dutchman, “Enzino” wrestled himself to the top of the asswrestling pecking order in a big way.

The blue eyed and baby faced engineer took out the finest the rest of the world had to offer slow and steady, one by one. “The dutchman was very good. His long legs took us all by surprise. The legs were really really long.” Finland’s classy sportsman Davo Vikman analyzed afterwards with a somewhat puzzled look on his face.

 

 

Davo Vikman

Is mid summer the key to understanding the Finn near you?

“A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. ” -Mark Twain

This famous quote certainly sums up the essence of the Finnish mid summer like nothing else. Even it may be likely that Mark Twain had never even heard of Finland, he certainly had his moments.

The beautiful Finnish “suvi”* is truly something exceptional and vitalizing to experience. The collective mid summer spirit of this northern evokes an atmosphere that is unmatched in the world.

Imagine combining the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, with the carnival in Rio de Janeiro, in Brazil. Such is the intensity of this exceptional event. However understanding the complex northern culture and the ways of the Artic brother is not something to be taken for granted by those planning to visit.

First time visitors to Finland often at some point during their holiday begin to realize they are about to come very familiar with the true meaning of the term “culture shock”.

What seems to be happening all around cant really be explained by any rational or Christian sense. Especially during mid summer, it seems the whole nation has suddenly taken a belly hop straight in to the dark ages. For the un-expecting traveler no help seems to be in sight.

Intrigued by the reputation of this quiet northern race, well known for a high suicide rate, our bold adventurer had in the spur of the moment, decided to book a trip to Finland to spend his summer holidays. A decision he is now in his state of growing panic deeply regretting.

A large, unknown drunken Finn, appears abruptly and uninvited from the bushes. With his fly still well undone, he grabs a helpless tourist by the shoulder. As the aghast traveler now in turn wets himself and is preparing to die, the silent Finn keeps staring him closely in the eyes, while pondering how to make friendly conversation. This silence often lasts until the Finn, some 30 seconds later, forgets what he was attempting to do and wanders back in to the bushes.

Elsewhere for seemingly no reason, another burly Finn suddenly begins furiously banging his fist on an occupied table. The foreign family who, just moments earlier was trying to enjoy their dinner in peace, is now frozen in their seats. Survival mode is kicking in. A silent moment passes slowly. Slowly the horrified family begins to understand this large confused native may very well be ready to explode in a violent burst of laughter. Or he may just as well be about to break down into tears, right there in front of them. But the only question in all their minds is simply: “Will he spare our lives?”

The types of meetings described above are frequent. They happen every summer. As a result the Finn is seen as half man, half bear. With a mind tied up in some Cordian knot, the man from north is considered much too complex to understand, much too dangerous to be around, but luckily isolated enough to be left to his own devices with out reasonable concern for fear.

To avoid panic during your visits, foreign anthropologists and travel agents remind that controlling your fear is key. It is the fear that blocks the traveler from understanding the messages his Finnish brother is trying to deliver. Understanding requires you to be completely fearless. It is however important to remember at all times that foreigners do not and cannot completely understand what every Finn is experiencing.

Please note: Despite the language barrier, a Finn in a sensitive state will expect the foreigner to understand his message due to the simple brutality and sincerity of the emotions it is being delivered with. Sensing that the message is not being understood may be interpreted as a sign of hostility. Should the clueless foreigner at this moment try to reason with the emotional man of the woods, the Finn may logically conclude that he is dealing with an enemy.

These situations where an otherwise completely harmless Finn and the well meaning foreigner clash rarely end peacefully. The Finnish tourism officials underline the traveler’s responsibility in understanding the country’s culture for their own safety.  In case of emergencies tourists are encouraged to shout out loud: “Jari Litmanen” or “Kimi Raekkoenen” as a final attempt of communication.

If you do decide to come to Finland, get ready for the time of your life, but be sure to consult the Finnish embassy in your country in addition to carefully reading material listed on the Finnish Bureau of Tourism’s official website. Being prepared may help you avoid unnecessary trouble.

(*) suvi = summer

Since Finland’s influence in EU decision making has hit an all time low , the Government has reacted with a gutsy aggressive flanking move.

The Finnish Foreign Minister sent on a secret mission scores big in Washington D.C.; Top secret foreign policy, codename Casanova considered a huge overall success.

For some time the signals sent back north by Finnish state representatives from the EU parliament in Brussels have been filled with nothing but distress. It seems the big players in the European Union are placing very little, if any significance to the issues Finnish elected officials are courageously promoting.

In recent years the EU has passed a large of number directives and/or laws governing over various economic and socials issues at the expense of smaller countries such as Finland. Most recently the EU hammer came down hard on the use of tar within the borders of the union. Restrictions on the accepted uses were passed, despite gallant displays of “sisu”* from the Finnish representatives lobbying hard for their countrymen’s rights to keep using the sweet smelling traditional pine extract the makes the whole country go bananas.

It was the passing of such directives and many a like, that caused the Finnish public to begin intermittently feeling the tyranny of the Brussels decision makers affecting their everyday lives. With the passing the “Tar Directive”, it was clear that the general opinion within the otherwise peaceful nation was beginning to turn against the Brussels tyranny.

For years the Finnish government had been formulating a plan to counter this dangerous trend in the EU parliamentary politics. With civic unrest steadily rising the possibility of a Nordic intifada had now become a reality. At the eleventh hour the government finally came up with a kick ass plan of world class caliber to make sure the voice of the 5,5 million tax payers from the land of the thousand lakes would no longer go unheard.

According to the foreign ministry spokes person, the plan was actually crafted after analyzing the somewhat low class tactics unsuccessfully deployed by the Italian Prime minister against our President Halonen some years ago. The Italian head of state mr. Berlusconi had openly boasted having seduced President Halonen at a past EU conference. The Italian numero uno claimed in interviews to have used his charms to successfully influence president Halonen’s decision making. Although it is highly disputable if his oily mediterranean moves ever got Mr. Berlusconi even close to first base with President Halonen, the Finnish government strategists felt that the tactics them selves could be successfully deployed under the suitable circumstances.

The fast paced rise of Condolezza Rice to the post of Foreign Minister within the Bush administration presented opportunity for the Finnish government to finally put in motion a plan to reverse the alarming developments at Brussels. If the current government could manage to build exceptionally strong ties with United States, the country’s fortunes within the EU parliament would be bound to change.

Under a flimsy pretext of a formal official visit, the undisputed top ladies man of Finnish politics, the Foreign Minister, Mr Ilkka Kanerva was sent to Washington with a single task. To sweep Condolezza of her feet and to give her a night she wouldn’t forget, and by doing so to turn her into a powerful ally lobbying for Finland’s interests [in foreign policies implemented by the Bush government].

Initial doubts were presented if Mr. Kanerva was really up to the task. Our trusted civil servant did unquestionably have an exceptionally chequered past. It was feared that Condolezza and the CIA were bound to dig some dirt up. In the end the plan dubbed “Artic Casanova” was given the green light by the big kahuna of Finnish politics, prime minister Matti Vanhanen himself.

Official details of the visit are scarce. The cancellation of the scheduled visit between Mr. Kanerva and the Bush administrations top security official was interpreted by analysts as a typical on the court improvisation by Mr. Kanerva. It was clear that Mr. Kanerva was playing his cards to maximize the time spent on courting Condolezza without having to be bothered by any official nonsense.

Upon his return to Finland Mr. Kanerva was visibly radiating with confidence but refused to give any comments.

An anonymous Birch Bolete informant close to the Foreign minister reported that Mr. Kanerva did in fact manage charm Condolezza, and that she did indeed allow the smooth talking Viking minister to penetrate her usually very well guarded defenses. According to another report, Condolezza’s private mobile number is in fact found listed in Mr.Kanerva’s Nokia  mobile phone under the acronym MSCP. (My Sweet Chocolate Plaything).  Mr. Kanerva was also reportedly very impressed with Condi’s stamina. US officials refused to give Birch Bolete any statement.

The truth is known only by Mr. Kanerva and Condolezza. Meanwhile a whole nation awaits in suspense for the US to start backing up Finland publicly. Upon his return a small parade was organized in Mr.Kanerva’s home town of Turku in is honor. A big band was hired and the town-folks presented their virgins to the returning hero.

 

(*) sisu = guts