Paragraph 1007 section 69 part 666; states that from now on, elected officials are when travelling,  required to choose to spend their nights in hotels NOT soliciting sexual services over their regular “homes away from home”. In addition, almost as insult to injury, even hotels offering adult entertainment channels are also to be avoided if alternative accomodation in a similar area and price range is available.

The indignant representatives of the Finnish people claim that the sections and subsequently the whole paragraph is the work of a skilled forger and that they have been targeted in a malicious and intricate plot. Sources wishing to remain anonymous say that a disgruntled bureaucrat only referred to mysteriously as “Mr.X” has been masterminding his personal revenge on our elected representatives as means to setttle an old score.

Acording to the unofficial story the grudge was caused by the loss of face back in 1974 at the parliaments annual semi-official Vappu* do’s after party. At the party “Mr.X” was coldy stood up by an unidentified female parlamentarian, who had apparently at the very last minute opted for a Ménage à trois with a standing minister and a belgian diplomat instead. This had pushed the unstable civil servant over the edge.

Parliament veterans confirm that “this particular nasty bussiness” had been continuing for years and that “Mr.X” has continued his relentless campaign long after the original party involved in the incident had finished her term. Many of the incidents take place around this time of the year but most of the damages caused by “Mr.X” takes place away from the publics view but the ‘08 parliament travel guidelines, which are public documents, reveal that the fire is still burning (as hot as ever).

It seems that in his latest move, “Mr.X” had somehow cleverly managed to append extra pages and paragraphs to the sections governing over travel accomodations in the recently drafted guidelines, as the were being typed clean. Well aware of the busy schedules at arkadianmäki**, “Mr.X” knew that the chances for the documents being proof read prior to ratification by stamps and signatures were slim to none. As a result the disputed “additional” paragraphs became part of the official guidelines.

“Mark My Words Bitch, You Will All Pay!”

* Vappu = May 1st, a day of nation wide celebrations and jubilations

arkadianmäki**= The location of the Finnish Parliament Building

If there ever was a king of Rock and Roll, then you can be sure that he had some illegitimate children or he was in the wrong bussiness completely. And even if Jyrki Hämäläinen wasnt one of those children you can bet your ass he was at the parties where some of them were concieved.

If you were anybody who was anybody, then you knew Jyrki Hämäläinen. He will be missed and mourned by more than most people.

Can you spot the one rocking his as off?

(Answer: he is behind the 2 middle aged guys wearing glasses.)

Tell us seriously who in Finland was cooler?

“Smile for the camera son, I might just put you on the cover”

They call their group “Agonizer” (*note singular).  As an attempt to thank their supporters they came up with the idea of playing a concert 1.4 kilometeres underground. After securing a record deal, what had originally just been another idea during intense brainstorming became reality and as a result the men became the record holders as well.

“Agonizer” snatched the record from the band called “Queens of Stone Age”, who apparently must be very popular with their neighbours as alltough they hail from the United States, their last notable gig was booked and played in a salt mine, 701 meters below ground level, in Germany.

There are no news regarding the date “Agonizer’s” new record is expected to surface, but there have been talks of rewarding the group with a “special publics interest medal” should they manage to continue succesfully playing their music undergroud.

We are looking into the details of the story to verify wether it is just

a bad joke, alltough it does make sense to learn that he is single.

Scientists and astrologists in southern Finland have predicted that the sun can be expected to rise tomorrow in lapland for the first time since last November.

The sighting of the sun, which is expected to last nearly a full hour around midday tomorrow, signifies the end of kaamos(*) and will bring much waited relief for those Lapland residents who have managed to hold on to their sanity through the period of darkness.

The first sun rise is also traditionally a big day for the biology and psychology departments at the university of Oulu, where teams of graduate students have been working through the past months preparing the lapland rooster population for their first dawn.

During this 6 year long study, the teams have been testing the use of computers and multimedia animations in their efforts to introduce and familiarize roosters with the sun rise in the absence of the real sun. The costly study has been mainly funded by private donations by a well known international software company.

Despite positive results the research teams are disappointed with the fact that not more than 10% of this psychologically handicapped rooster population are ever expected to crow at sunrise without additional simoultaneous audio stimulus.

(*) kaamos = a period during which the sun never shows itself in Lapland

“It’s close to midnight…And something evil’s lurking from the dark…”

Although their grounbreaking dance moves on the video to Michael Jackson’s hit song “Thriller” almost 25 years ago did earn them some recognition and allowed the community as a whole to enjoy some positive publicity, most of the press they have received through out history has been pretty bad. People were saying “sure danced hot but what have they done lately?”

It hasn’t been until recent years that humans have begun to understand that even they may be missing body parts, in most cases zombies still have feelings too. The annual Zombie Walk has been one of those events that have helped the living understand the emotional needs of the dead, undead or otherwise non living.

In just a few years the Z-walk has grown into a much awaited event and easily the biggest social event of they year for the undead Finn.

This year the walk was once again organized superbly and there were no incidents. It was clear to all spectators that every corpse out there was just there to enjoy the brisk Helsinki autumn.

The official count was 113 undead from all over Finland, with some corpses unlucky to be tied up in zombie business elsewhere sending the odd bodypart to lend a helping hand (or leg) to the organizers or just in a show of solidarity and support . With the number of the dead in a slow but sure rise organizers expect next years event to be even more popular.

It is the peaceful reputation of the Helsinki Zombie Walk that has earned it international reputation as the unofficial Zombie Love Parade.

“Zombies are slowly beginning to realize that being undead doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t have an active social life” says one of the organizers, “you just don’t have to feel obliged to rot away in some dark cellar by yourself anymore”. Loneliness is a big problem in the zombie community, and recently the internet has helped a lot, but its clear that loneliness still a massive issue.

The Zombie walk is a great event to meet the other undead, to make new fiends. Its also a great opportunity for the career minded corpses to do some serious networking.

3 single zombies making the most out of the afternoon over a cat and a bottle of wine

In a sincere attempt to provide a simple public service, the city of helsinki has much in the same way as Dr. Albert Hofmann did in his time, unexpectedly managed to create something completely different that might leave you wanting for more. The creation is of course the cool and amazing but just as controversial CityWall which is located in downtown Helsinki.

Despite the fact the wall is a creation by a group called something as sinister as The Ubiquitous Interaction (Uix) research group, and that its original purpose was to help the group study human-computer intercation, there is little reason for conservatives and public health officials to get alarmed. The CityWall only promotes interaction between consecenting humans and computers and only in a safe way. Having said that, even the members of Uix probably are willing to agree that in this day and age, you shouldnt take your kids to see the CityWall, its just not something children should have to witness.

A group session between 2 adults and 1 computer just getting warmed up.

William Somerset Maugham - “There is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.”

Their destination is just barely on the map, and their mission to prove that they have what it takes to be called the best of the best of the best. Yes, its another world championship competition but this one is unlike any other. Last week the somewhat remote city of Oulu became the center of the universe as it hosted the 12^th Air Guitar World Championships (5-7.9.2007)

The Finns only managed 1 finalist in the top 20. With Hilkka “Gore Kitty” Suvanto only placing tied for 18^th the competition could have been considered a catastrophe from a Finnish point of view, was it not for the sheer brilliance of all the finalists performances. To place 18^th among that kind of competition is nothing to be ashamed of.

The world championship eventually went, for the second straight year to Japan. Ochi “Dainoji” Yosuke became only the second 2 time World champion in history. Guillaume “Moche Pitt” de Tonquédec of France finished a close 2^nd and the crowd favourite, Max “Herr Jaquelin” Heller of Austria came 3^rd.

The intensity of the sport is perhaps best described by former 2 time champion, Zac Monro’es famous quote:” It’s [playing air guitar in front of the audience and judges] like diving in to a swimming pool full of sharks, with pork chops tied under your armpits”.

Despite the countless hours spent by each contestant, preparing their performance, with only the goal of destroying the opposition, once the judges decision was in, and the winner was announced, all the masters gathered on stage together, and rocked on more time together as has been the tradition, for world peace.
Is there a nobler sport on the planet?

The crowned King of Air Guitar Ochi “Dainoji” Yosuke

Javelin is a very popular sport in Finland with plenty of tradition and a mountains of expectations. One can only speculate that this is because it is a very exciting sport. Nevertheless a Finnish world champion in javelin is just one of the things that are absolutely needed from time to time for this particular nation of 5+ million to have enough goodwill, so they can manage to live peacefully through months of darkness, cold and taxes.

Congratulations to Mr. Pitkämäki for the victory, years of hard work have paid off for him and he deserves it. And congratulations to Mr. Virtanen, Mr. Korhonen, Mr. Lahti, Mr. Lahtinen, Mr. Nieminen and all their country men as well. As Mr.Pitkämäki just proved, not everything sucks.

The reporters investigated masseuses in the areas of :

Eira (2 separate parlors), Kamppi, Töölö (1 parlor twice a week for 1 month), Hakaniemi, Kallio (16 parlors!), Sörnäinen, Vallila, Ruskeasuo, Malminkartano, Malmi, Herttoniemi, Puotinharju (2 parlors) and Itäkeskus.

Mmm…Massage…Mmmm…

If you are the kind of fox that doesn’t like cowberries, or just suffer from acute soreness and tension, please take note: The locations marked on the map are only approximations. Unless you are a Kallio resident you may need to contact the Thai Embassy to find the exact address of your nearest location.