Since Finland’s influence in EU decision making has hit an all time low , the Government has reacted with a gutsy aggressive flanking move.

The Finnish Foreign Minister sent on a secret mission scores big in Washington D.C.; Top secret foreign policy, codename Casanova considered a huge overall success.

For some time the signals sent back north by Finnish state representatives from the EU parliament in Brussels have been filled with nothing but distress. It seems the big players in the European Union are placing very little, if any significance to the issues Finnish elected officials are courageously promoting.

In recent years the EU has passed a large of number directives and/or laws governing over various economic and socials issues at the expense of smaller countries such as Finland. Most recently the EU hammer came down hard on the use of tar within the borders of the union. Restrictions on the accepted uses were passed, despite gallant displays of “sisu”* from the Finnish representatives lobbying hard for their countrymen’s rights to keep using the sweet smelling traditional pine extract the makes the whole country go bananas.

It was the passing of such directives and many a like, that caused the Finnish public to begin intermittently feeling the tyranny of the Brussels decision makers affecting their everyday lives. With the passing the “Tar Directive”, it was clear that the general opinion within the otherwise peaceful nation was beginning to turn against the Brussels tyranny.

For years the Finnish government had been formulating a plan to counter this dangerous trend in the EU parliamentary politics. With civic unrest steadily rising the possibility of a Nordic intifada had now become a reality. At the eleventh hour the government finally came up with a kick ass plan of world class caliber to make sure the voice of the 5,5 million tax payers from the land of the thousand lakes would no longer go unheard.

According to the foreign ministry spokes person, the plan was actually crafted after analyzing the somewhat low class tactics unsuccessfully deployed by the Italian Prime minister against our President Halonen some years ago. The Italian head of state mr. Berlusconi had openly boasted having seduced President Halonen at a past EU conference. The Italian numero uno claimed in interviews to have used his charms to successfully influence president Halonen’s decision making. Although it is highly disputable if his oily mediterranean moves ever got Mr. Berlusconi even close to first base with President Halonen, the Finnish government strategists felt that the tactics them selves could be successfully deployed under the suitable circumstances.

The fast paced rise of Condolezza Rice to the post of Foreign Minister within the Bush administration presented opportunity for the Finnish government to finally put in motion a plan to reverse the alarming developments at Brussels. If the current government could manage to build exceptionally strong ties with United States, the country’s fortunes within the EU parliament would be bound to change.

Under a flimsy pretext of a formal official visit, the undisputed top ladies man of Finnish politics, the Foreign Minister, Mr Ilkka Kanerva was sent to Washington with a single task. To sweep Condolezza of her feet and to give her a night she wouldn’t forget, and by doing so to turn her into a powerful ally lobbying for Finland’s interests [in foreign policies implemented by the Bush government].

Initial doubts were presented if Mr. Kanerva was really up to the task. Our trusted civil servant did unquestionably have an exceptionally chequered past. It was feared that Condolezza and the CIA were bound to dig some dirt up. In the end the plan dubbed “Artic Casanova” was given the green light by the big kahuna of Finnish politics, prime minister Matti Vanhanen himself.

Official details of the visit are scarce. The cancellation of the scheduled visit between Mr. Kanerva and the Bush administrations top security official was interpreted by analysts as a typical on the court improvisation by Mr. Kanerva. It was clear that Mr. Kanerva was playing his cards to maximize the time spent on courting Condolezza without having to be bothered by any official nonsense.

Upon his return to Finland Mr. Kanerva was visibly radiating with confidence but refused to give any comments.

An anonymous Birch Bolete informant close to the Foreign minister reported that Mr. Kanerva did in fact manage charm Condolezza, and that she did indeed allow the smooth talking Viking minister to penetrate her usually very well guarded defenses. According to another report, Condolezza’s private mobile number is in fact found listed in Mr.Kanerva’s Nokia  mobile phone under the acronym MSCP. (My Sweet Chocolate Plaything).  Mr. Kanerva was also reportedly very impressed with Condi’s stamina. US officials refused to give Birch Bolete any statement.

The truth is known only by Mr. Kanerva and Condolezza. Meanwhile a whole nation awaits in suspense for the US to start backing up Finland publicly. Upon his return a small parade was organized in Mr.Kanerva’s home town of Turku in is honor. A big band was hired and the town-folks presented their virgins to the returning hero.

 

(*) sisu = guts